Kintsugi Read online

  particularly difficult, as it made me relive the pain of my childhood, as well as left me alone with a nine-month-old baby. I had no idea how to survive this situation.

  However, I am still around today, more resilient and stronger than ever. I did survive. This terrible experience also passed . . . After having worked on healing myself, I did see things far more clearly. I recognized my share of the responsibility. Working on unearthing my winding subconcious, I have identified hidden family patterns. I have rebuilt myself, step-by-step, and have begun to enjoy life again and look forward to the future with confidence. Inspired by this difficult beginning, I never lost hope, and I still find being alive magnificently fulfilling. I regained the courage to get married a second time. Unfortunately, I am now divorced again, but that’s another story . . . Someday possibly a third try at marriage? They say that three is the magic number. In spite of my two failed marriages, I still believe in it. After all, according to the famous French saying, “Only by continually trying will one finally succeed. Therefore the more often one fails, the better their chances of succeeding.”

  Something did fall apart for you today. Events and experiences of your past have injured you deeply. Like an open wound, your flaws and your weaknesses uncover hidden corners of your soul. It is this same place where you will also find unsuspected strength for rebuilding a better version of yourself! Remember: Up until now, you have survived 100 percent of your worst experiences.

  The time has come to get ahold of yourself, to take the first steps to be reborn. This step still might be small or hesitant: You’re afraid to stumble again . . . Just keep in mind the first step is always the most difficult!

  The Legend of the Royal Ring

  A Persian legend, whose exact origins have long been lost, tells of a king who asked an old wise man at his court to engrave a golden ring with a quote stating the absolute truth of the world. He desired a sentence that could apply to all situations, for all ages. A quote expressing the meaning of life: words of universal truth.

  The old wise man gave the ring back to the king with the following engraving: “This too shall pass.”

  What About You?

  Do you realize how much your previous challenges have contributed to who you are today? Isn’t it time to find your joy for life again? Are you looking forward to the pleasant surprises awaiting you in the future?

  It’s Time to Act!

  The Path of Your Life

  Take a moment to sit down quietly without interruptions or distractions. This is your time. Create an ideal space to enjoy: soft music, candles, flavored tea, a comfortable chair . . . anything you prefer.

  Take a piece of paper and a pen, close your eyes, and relax. Visualize the path of your life, year by year, and remember all the difficult times you have lived through.

  Write them down, one by one, while gaining a sense of resilience: You have survived all of these challenges! And deep inside you know that this current situation too will pass!

  Go Further . . .

  Reflect quietly: Even if you didn’t realize it at the time, isn’t it true that perhaps some of your most difficult experiences have ironically provided opportunities, like an unexpected gift? Maybe they have allowed you to develop a new sense of self-worth or forced you to learn new skills to escape a bad situation. Or even opened new doors. Thoughtfully contemplate some of your difficult memories, and by doing so, transform your sufferings into strengths. Today, facing these new challenges, you can re-create this personal transformation.

  Begin Here and Now!

  Why postpone this exercise? Take the first step by picking up a pen and writing down some of your experiences on your list.

  Accept

  What’s done cannot be undone.

  —William Shakespeare

  Clear your mind and pick up the pieces.

  Like an object that is damaged and broken, your ordeal is upon you. You may still be in shock. Hesitatingly, you pick yourself up, still somewhat dizzy, still a bit groggy.

  Everything around you has gone to pieces. What happened?

  The time has come to evaluate the situation. It’s impossible to go backward. What’s done is done . . . This is the moment to accept the inevitable, to welcome what cannot be changed, and to recognize and embrace what is harming you. This phase is necessary to first pull yourself together before you can move forward.

  Sometimes the pain may be so intense that the slightest incident revives it all. So your natural reaction may be to ignore it, flee from it, as if denying the problem could make it go away. You may try to protect yourself by quickly hiding away the pieces, removing them to a place as far away as possible. Alternatively you may cover them up completely, smoothing out the surface with a mask of smiles as if everything is okay. And sometimes when you can’t stand the pain, you suppress it by all available means, strangling it in any way possible . . .

  I know this subject well. My mother had great difficulties accepting her own divorce. Instead of pulling herself together, admitting her share of the responsibility, or asking for help, she was so overcome by grief and depression that alcoholism became the only way to fight her pain. The divorce became a forbidden subject.

  It was impossible to talk about it, she did not want to hear it, and she buried her head in the sand like an ostrich . . . As if by denying the existence of the disaster would miraculously make it disappear.

  Do not make the same mistake. The hurt still exists in your subconscious! You can certainly pretend that nothing happened, but something certainly did. Something so important that you have no choice but to look it straight in the face rather than to look the other way.

  The hurt is a message. In acknowledging it and by embracing it in some form, you can liberate it. This conscious effort is necessary to progress through the steps of healing and, someday, well-being.

  It takes courage. It requires you to be honest with yourself, to admit your difficulties rather than to deny or overshadow them.

  Even if you can’t change the past, you can view it differently. It doesn’t have to become something that holds you back but instead can transform you into something better. In order to overcome your suffering, you must first recognize and acknowledge it internally before you can externalize and eventually eliminate it. Come out of the shadow into the light . . .

  Kintsugi and Depression

  Kintsugi is a beautiful metaphor for the steps of healing depression. In the same way that kintsugi can sublimate a broken object by giving value to its scars, a person suffering from depression can become stronger by accepting his flaws as part of himself.

  This suffering is the beginning of something else. It can help you understand yourself more deeply and overcome your ordeals. With the help of therapy, you will discover your true self.

  And with your suffering and depression behind you, you will become a new person, undoubtedly more sensitive and probably much stronger. Your scars bear witness. Suffering and depression are from now on an integral part of your history. Kintsugi teaches you to be proud of them and to hold your head high. Accept this painful past that makes you unique.

  What About You?

  Are you always honest with yourself? Do you know how to recognize your sufferings and to listen to them, or do you sometimes have a tendency to stifle them and censor yourself?

  It’s Time to Act!

  The Message from Your Body

  Find a quiet time in order to practice the following exercise:

  To begin, take several deep breaths and relax completely. Close your eyes. When completely calm, connect with your body and feel its sensations. Think about the misfortune you are actually living through and about what exactly makes you suffer: What do you feel? How does this express itself in your body? Maybe tears fill your eyes? Or you feel a heavy weight on your chest? Shortness of breath? Your heart races fast
and hard? Fear sits like a pit in your stomach? Or all of these things at the same time? These are only examples. Concentrate on your own body’s sensations.

  Once you have identified these feelings, choose one of them. This pain conveys an emotion. It’s there to signal the presence of a problem, and it will continue to be there until the problem has gone away. That is its mission.

  Don’t look away: Accept the problem’s existence. Get in touch with the part of you that makes you suffer, and let yourself feel it in all of its intensity. Identify the type of emotion you are suffering from. Without trying to avoid the pain, look at it calmly, as if through a magnifying glass, and try to progressively relax about it. Feel grateful for this sensation and be thankful for its action. It has done its work as a witness. If you really concentrate calmly and with gentleness, the suffering will disappear.

  If you feel other uncomfortable body sensations, simply repeat this exercise.

  Open your eyes and let your entire being absorb the disappearance of the painful sensation. Your overall tension has probably diminished as well. If this exercise has made you feel better, you should regularly repeat it as soon as you feel an unpleasant body sensation.

  Go Further . . .

  Express the full power of your emotions through intense activities that make you burst out shouting or laughing! For example, boxing, a tribal dance, a primal scream, a tickling session, theater performances, a pillow fight, and so on . . . whatever works for you.

  Start Here and Now!

  Close your eyes, breathe deeply, and begin to concentrate on your innermost self. Let these thoughts flow . . .

  Decide

  The true perfection of man lies, not in what man has, but in what man is.

  —Oscar Wilde

  Make the choice to give the object a second chance, rather than throwing it away.

  Convince yourself that you can be like the broken object repaired by the kintsugi technique. You are a valuable jewel that deserves to be healed with gold, one of the most precious metals on the planet. You are invaluable and are worth the best. In deciding to repair what has been broken, you not only simply recognize its value but add sentiment to the object. As in the art of kintsugi, in deciding to take control of your life in spite of the sufferings experienced, you give yourself an invaluable gift: your self-esteem!

  After my second divorce (only one year after being married), I really hit rock bottom. I had a second baby to raise by myself, and my family’s divorce history was repeating itself as if predetermined. My pattern of failures, one after the other, including a career without a clear path, made me feel like I was wasting my life and hadn’t accomplished anything. Do you also sometimes feel that you lack any redeeming value?

  A friend helped me pick myself up by pointing out my accomplishments. I had raised two daughters with much goodwill and love. I had found the courage to change my life several times, including the two businesses I had started. I had tried many different professions, including wedding planner, project manager

  for a design agency, fragrance development manager for the flavor and fragrance industry, wedding celebrant, product manager at L’Oréal, personal-development and art therapy coach, brainstorming leader, marketing and promotion professor, and author. I had created all of these with my own willpower. I had found a way to overcome the impossible and to create my own reality each time I really wanted something. I had even found resilience after my mother’s suicide. My friend reminded me that my life was meaningful and that I had accomplished much more than I realized.

  No matter what your path and accomplishments might be, never forget your own precious value. Just as an object can be restored with gold and many hours of painstaking effort, you too deserve the same attention, the same time, and the same investment. Consciously decide to take care of yourself, but also let others take care of you too. If you settle for masking or covering your wounds, they might open again. Make the decision to really recover. Patiently add layer after layer to help yourself heal over time. You deserve it! Honor yourself!

  The Film It’s a Wonderful Life

  Along these lines, I highly recommend you see Frank Capra’s masterpiece It’s a Wonderful Life (1946). This film with old-fashioned charm portrays a desperate man ready to take his own senseless life when an angel appears to him. The angel points out how important his life on earth has been and how much his natural goodness has influenced the lives of many others. To his own amazement, he realizes his true value and the merits of his existence.

  What About You?

  Do you know your own worth, or do you have a tendency to underestimate yourself? And if you were to list your merits right now, what would they be?

  It’s Time to Act!

  The List of Your Accomplishments

  You too should start to appreciate your worth and your value as a precious jewel! On a piece of paper or a digital screen, list your accomplishments. Include the major ones, but don’t forget the minor successes too. Everything you do well in your life matters. Think about your strengths and those activities you succeed at naturally. Include the things that come easily to you for which you are often complimented. Accept your success without false modesty. These writings are only for you to read.

  Low self-esteem can make this a difficult exercise. Sadly, we don’t usually honor ourselves (what a shame!). If this sounds like you, start by complimenting yourself on your small, daily successes: I baked a delicious lemon tart, or I know how to change a tire. Progressively move to more important qualities such as, I am a good father, I am patient, and people like to confide in me. And finally some real successes in your life: I have raised two marvelous children, I doubled the financial results of my company, I restored an old barn with my own two hands, and so on.

  A small but important side note: We often have the tendency to underestimate our merits, not because of modesty but ignorance. We tend to consider the things that we accomplish easily as normal or banal. We value these simple accomplishments less. Since I’m able to write with ease, I have the tendency to not list this skill. I forget that not everyone can write as easily as I do. On the other hand, I am absolutely useless when it comes to directing a team. I admire this competence of a friend who doesn’t even acknowledge his special talent. He thinks it’s normal to have this skill.

  Simply list all your skills without any edits, rankings, or value judgments.

  Admire all of your successes . . . You really are a valuable person!

  Go Further . . .

  Ask your friends and family to help you complete this list. Expect a few surprises.

  Begin Here and Now!

  Fill in the first line to get started.

  Choose

  You must choose among the dreams that warm your soul the most.

  —Louis-Ferdinand Céline

  Consider the different methods of repair and choose the one that suits you best: the illusionist method (invisible repair), staples (metal clamps along the cracks), or kintsugi (golden joints).

  Just like when fixing a broken object, you have to find your own viable method in order to heal yourself. Do you prefer to cover up your hurts quickly? Do you use a smooth yet careful manner to cover your facade, giving the impression that all is well (illusionary technique)? What about a fast but very visible cure (stapled technique)? Or do you prefer to take your time to really heal your scars, so that your wounds do not open again, by taking pride in the scars that make you unique (art of kintsugi)?

  Each technique has its own advantages and disadvantages. There is no good or bad answer. All depends on your available time, your motivation, and your path in life. There comes a time in life when it is difficult to repair and analyze oneself all alone, mainly because there are too many self-help techniques to choose from. Therefore, do not hesitate to seek help from a therapist, a book, a seminar, a course, or an Internet conferenc
e.

  Over the years, I have personally explored many different options, some emotional, others more physical: hypnosis, writing, meditation, mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), theater, spiral dynamics, yoga, clown workshop, energetic method, fasciatherapy, acupuncture, mandala, clay block therapy, logotherapy, family constellations, Chinese medicine, chi gong, chi nei tsang, overtone singing, inner child, Pilates, laughter yoga, theater improv, feng shui, psychogenealogy, chiropractics, geobiology, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), osteopathy, and, above all, kintsugi!

  Sometimes one finds the perfect therapy instantly. But more often exploring several different paths is necessary until multiple methods produce a group of complementary answers. I call this the cocktail effect of personal development. Each action is in itself effective, but when combined, their impact is amplified. What resonates with you? Follow your innermost momentum!

  The different Repair techniques

  Illusionary Repair

  The repair is invisible. The scars certainly exist, but they are perfectly masked. If done well, the object appears to be new, its past well hidden.

  Repairing with Metal Clasps (Staples)

  The repair is quite visible with the different pieces being held together by metallic clasps. This was the initial method used for the Shogun’s tea bowl, but he was so disappointed with the results that he asked his artisans to invent a different method, and kintsugi was born.